Genesis 2 : 8 (New Living Translation)

Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper who is just right for him.”

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Saturday, March 31, 2012

Drowning

The laundry is so outta control, I can't face it. Frantically go to another room to escape and the toys/shoes/books/random items are covering more than 50% of the floor - move to another room to escape the clutter and the sink has dirty dishes in it from yesterday..... Students are emailing something about technical difficulties and no Internet connection etc and so on and Gracie nearly missed her nap today, which would be a disaster for her and me.

I need to make some baby food, clean the house, fold clothes, plan dinner, engage my kids, earn my paycheck, and FIND, much less talk to, my husband. My car is filthy- inside and out, and fruit flies have taken over my home. Somebody needs to pick up my dry cleaning and basic needs are demanding a trip to the grocery store.

I need to call and check on my friends (in case they feel the same way I do right now), and I need to pick up some gifts for some engaged folks and some soon-to-be parents.

The fridge could stand a good clean out, and the check book hasn't been balanced since gas hit $3+.

It just goes on and on. And the worst part is, nobody - myself at the top of the list of nobodies - cares! I care only enough to lament these woes, but I do not care enough to face the mountainous to-do list.

I've fallen and I can't get up! I've fallen behind on everything. Literally everything... If I could think of one thing that does not need attention right now, I think it might help, but in reality, the laundry pile won't shrink by thinking happy thoughts.

I know that if I want to feel better, I need to be able to be inside my house - I'm outside right now so as not to be attacked by a demanding chore. Gracie is napping (a very late nap that we may pay for later) and Clara is quietly sucking her thumb in her stroller beside me.

I don't want anybody to clean it for me or grade for me or raise my babies for me (grocery shop for me, sure). I really want to do it. I WANT to be good at it. I want to be GOOD at it. I WANT to be GOOD at it. I want to maintain a blissful existence, complete with positive attitude and sickening smile. But,let's face it, I am not that girl. I'm not that wife. I'm not that mother. I'm not that employee. And I'm not that friend. You know, the one who has t all together. Who never loses the battle against madness and never gets down because of the little things and always sports a fresh manicure to boot.

I'm just not. And no amount of (my husband telling to have a) positive attitude will turn me into her.

I am negative, mismatched, late, behind, chaotic, edgy, disruptive, inappropriate, out of shape, cheap, and a bad tipper. But my friends keep hanging out with me. My kids still light up when they see me, my husband still makes his way home (eventually), and my mom still introduces me as her own.

So, I've decided. We will continue in this mess just like we have been for ages, but no longer will I fight the current (to keep with the drowning analogy). Let's just embrace the lazy river approach.

I never wanted to go white water rafting anyway.

Clara and Gracie are on board!

6 comments:

  1. Hang in there, I'm proud of you- float on down that lazy river!

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  2. I feel the same way! We will have it all together when the babies go to college!

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  3. I told Jay that we don't have to be behind on everything...just start a new spot and move on...of course you get behind again, but it does help with the positive attitude thing. This too shall pass. You will survive and so will your kids. Just look at mine. Ha.

    Lori Chancellor

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  4. Know that all mamas feel like this at one time or another or all the time! :) It's just hard. Wonderful, indescribable, wouldn't change it for the world but REALLY HARD! You're a wonderful mommy. . . keep enjoying those sweet babies! One day we'll both wish our houses were a little messy if we could have babies again!

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  5. I love you Suzanne, and I think you're the greatest.

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  6. It is so hard! I had a toddler-size meltdown the other day saying I "just can't handle it anymore". Not really sure what "it" was at the time, but I am sure it had to do with having zero dinner prepared, not seeing my child for more than an hour a day, or the four loads of laundry that scattered my laundry room floor.
    It's OK - you are not alone.
    And good for you for mentioning friends - I am THE WORST friend. I can't tell you the last time I just called a friend. Seriously. So I say - Good job, mama. You are doing a fabulous job!

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